Do I Really Want That?

Months later I am still decluttering... don't judge me, lol. I do have a lot of stuff, but I haven't been doing it all that time, it's been in fits and starts. In fact I'm not entirely sure I account for all the time between May and now. Certainly not in emptied spaces, though they are there, lurking in cupboards and drawers. I emptied two whole drawers in my craft cupboard. They've since been filled again, but the whole point was to get stuff in there I actually use instead of like it used to be, which was full of stuff I didn't use and was just hiding. And thereby clear another area, that had a few boxes lurking.

We are kind of expecting to move again soon. We have moved too many times. I grew up in one house, after my parents moved there when I was a baby. Since I first left home at the tender age of 18 though, I have lived in 20 houses and flats. That's twenty moves in 37 years folks. TWENTY. Let's just take a moment to come to terms with the sheer number of boxes I've packed in 20 moves! And unpacked, finding new homes for the pretties within. Most of the moves were within one state (NSW), but I did move to Scotland and back to Australia too, and then to a new state (Qld).

I used to have a vet who was a good friend, and one day when I went to see him with my cat, he had to start a new card for me for his file. He put my name and then "No fixed abode" where it said address. I was amused of course, but also a bit miffed, not sure whether to laugh or cry about it (but I whacked his arm just the same, lol) and you know what? I'm still not sure!

I crave deep roots. I want to plant trees, shrubs and perennials, not just annuals. I want to put in wisteria and let it curl up a verandah and send it's yearly load of flowers cascading down, covering more and more of the verandah each year till I can hardly see through it. I have started gardens in each of the places I've lived but they have only ever just started to look good when I have to go again. I take stuff in pots from house to house, I plant out cuttings and seedlings, I dream of how it might look when it's grown a bit. I know by now that I will be moving again as soon as the plants have grown enough to start touching each other.

Honestly, it's not my fault lol! It's because I have left a job, or my husband has, or I've left a husband, or a house we're renting has sold, or we've moved for a job, or... well... on it goes.

I pretty much know the next house won't be a forever house either. But maybe it will be for a while. And maybe the one after that will be a long term house.

Because of all this moving, I am a good packer. But for some reason I am also an accumulator. I'm not entirely sure why this is... maybe it's a psychological thing. I can't keep houses but I can keep stuff to put in them. I'm not quite a hoarder, but I do have too much stuff. And the next house we are going to find is probably going to be a lot smaller, because we are going to move from renting to buying again, although renting gets you a whole lot more house these days. We are renting a 4 bed, 2 bath, 2 garage for the same amount we will be able to buy a 3 bed, 1 bath, 1 garage house with the deposit we will have. Probably... there is the occasional real fixer upper that might have a little extra.

Fixer uppers are not very usual in our suburb (where I am quite happy to stay) but I am hoping for one. I want to put my own stamp all over whatever we buy. I wonder how long it will take me to find The Right One. I have found a few Almost Right Ones in the last month. And it's fun looking. Well it is for me. My dear one doesn't enjoy the process.

And in the meantime, I continue to clear out stuff. My new question for every item that passes my sight or hands is, "Do I want to unpack you in a smaller house?"

love Heather x

 To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you are the only solution. ~Jo Coudert

Stuff be Gone

This week I have been sorting through drawers and boxes, clearing out stuff that I don't love or want to have any more. I have been a crafter of many persuasions my whole life and as every crafter knows that means stuff! Stuff, stuff, stuff. Paper crafting stuff, sewing stuff, beading stuff, inspirational stuff, quilting stuff, tools to do it all, stuff that will come in handy one day... some of it hasn't even been unpacked into this house. It's still in boxes from our move 6 months ago.

And it's not just craft stuff. Being my age (Which I don't believe I am - how can that be true? There's a mix up, I'm sure.) means I have been around long enough to accumulate a - well - a lifetimes worth of purchases and gifts, equipment, supplies and goods.

I get this itch now and then, and usually I scratch it just enough to ease the discomfort. I go through my wardrobe, or tidy out my kitchen or desk drawers, or buy a new storage system. It feels good. It feels satisfying.

But it doesn't really solve the problem. Rather, it is just a first step, and it's like when you go on a diet and avoid cake all the first day so you reward yourself the second day. (oops, did I just admit that out loud?) You need to keep doing it to actually fix the problem!

Don't get me wrong - I don't want minimalist. I like my pretty little bits and pieces around the place, and the things that have no value except emotional. I don't want to walk into a room that looks staged rather than lived in (although I do rather like it to be tidy) and I don't want to start over completely. I just want less accumulation. Less so that I can see more clearly who I am.

And I have changed in the last few years, from liking one style to liking a different style. Which means a lot of the things in my house, my craft room and my wardrobe don't "fit" anymore. Have you ever felt that way? I was quite surprised by the shift actually. I thought I was who I was and that was it. But change does happen.

Anyway, clearing the clutter: it's something that's often talked about. There are whole sections of books in the shops full of advice. You can hardly go online these days without seeing something about it. Tips, hints, schedules... so many of us seem to need a shove, or to be guilted into it.

I'm old enough now to shed guilt as well. Pfft, who needs it, it didn't work all these years, to heck with it! I am looking at this journey in a positive way. I have such abundance in my life! And I am letting some of it go to where it's needed more, and letting myself breathe again and open up to new possibilities. Much like Mother Nature, I'm shaking off the autumn leaves and getting ready to unfurl some fresh growth.

One drawer, one box, one shelf, one pile of stuff at a time. Just deal with this one thing, and it's not overwhelming. I have taken some of that online advice, such as things like if you don't find it useful or beautiful, then don't keep it. Really? I needed to find that wisdom online? Well, obviously I do. Some of the advice is ridiculous. Who'd have thought the tips on decluttering need to be decluttered as well? Ha!

I must have hoarding tendencies though (I can see my friend raise her eyebrows here in a "ya think?" kind of way) because each thing has a story, and I have to touch it all and decide on each piece individually. I kind of have to justify everything going. Ugh... I hate that. But it's part of my journey so I am just letting it happen. But I am making it happen fast, and I am trying not to dither. I heard someone say on the radio just recently that if you are dithering it's a no. A yes is a yes. She wasn't talking about clutter, but it works just as well.

I find that I am redistributing some things rather than moving them on, but that's OK too, to a certain degree, because some things are semi precious and I'm not ready to let them go ... yet. (Does it sound like I'm justifying here? Dang...) I will be doing this for a while, so I can revisit everything and continue the process and maybe next time around I will let those things go too. Or maybe now that I've recognised this by putting it down here, I will go pick them up right now and move them on. Dither, dither... oh yeah, dithering means no.

And that leads us to the other feeling about clutter that lurks in hidden corners. As much as it feels great and totally satisfying at the end, and a huge relief even, there is this other part that... eh... lurks in hidden corners... that feels a bit resentful during the process. I'm learning to calm that part. It's no good to just tell it to shut up, then it just feels justified. But to soothe it, and see it as part of the process, does help. Resentment is just fear. You don't scold a fearful child, you soothe them.

So, what have I learned so far this week? (Or rediscovered..)

1. It feels good to have an empty drawer.
2. It feels good to only have things I love surrounding me.
3. It can feel great, a relief or worrying to let things go but
4. My life is abundant enough and
5. I am getting a clearer picture of Me as I work.

love Heather x

To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you are the only solution. ~Jo Coudert

Lost and Found

Shall we just start again? I want to make another go of this poor neglected blog. The last year has been a roller coaster ride of good times and bad, health/family/personal/financial highs and lows, and life lessons, but it goes on, and there will no doubt be more of the same, so I'm just going to let it all pass without much comment and start over tomorrow, with what is in front of me, and just try and make sense of that. That's quite enough, really, on anyone's plate.

love Heather x

To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you are the only solution. ~Jo Coudert

A New Adventure

A few days ago, I saw a recipe for Oreo Cookies online. Then I clicked on a link for gluten free Oreo Cookies. I thought I would print it out for my mother, who went gluten free a few months ago. After all, who doesn't like Oreo Cookies? The link was to Gluten Free Girl and I was happily trapped there for quite some time, I have to say... and I realised from reading the information there that I was probably gluten intolerant myself, without realising it.

It was pretty amazing to me, because I have been involved in food intolerance issues for nearly 15 years because of my daughter, and have a reasonable amount of knowledge about it all. I have several gluten intolerant friends too, but I never picked up that it could be my problem too. I guess it was because their problems were mainly with their gut - but being gluten intolerant can affect pretty much everything else too, it seems. So anyway, I thought it was worth a try. Everything is worth a try once, don't you think? For an adventurous life?

I read a few different blogs and websites and informed myself enough in that afternoon to know in my heart that I was gluten intolerant. I knew. And I think I know quite a few other people who are as well. What really clinched it for me was not necessarily the articles I was reading, but the hundreds of comments left by people for whom going gluten free has been a transforming choice, and the happiness they describe at their symptoms disappearing.

There will always be people who scoff about any dietary changes and who resist as if their lives depended on it - I saw that when I had to put my daughter on a special diet - but what they want to think has nothing to do with me. It's not a question of right and wrong, just their choice, my choice. Parents often say to their children about food, "You can't say you don't like it if you haven't tried it," but we don't say that to ourselves as adults very often. In fact, sometimes we resist like crazy.

So anyway, I tried it. The very next day. I noticed changes before the day was out - positive changes. I couldn't go shopping for a few days, but we had stuff in the house that I could use and I was challenged to make nice things like Carrot and Lentil Soup, instead of just bunging some stuff in a sandwich and calling it lunch. What's not to like about facing the prospect of this for lunch?

One of the most amazing things to me was that I wasn't hungry all the time. I am usually never satisfied, always almost desperate for "something" else, although whatever it might be always eluded me. I realise now that it was a lack of something that was required.

Here is what these first few days have done for me: My feeling of desperate wanting and checking the kitchen for whatever it might be has vanished. I no longer feel bloated and uncomfortable - in fact, I can no longer feel my belly at all, I am not aware of it all the time like I used to be just a week ago. My chronically itchy and sore scalp is no longer itchy and sore, it just feels like the rest of my skin now. No chronic headache. The joint pain in my knees has disappeared (hips are still sore, but my knees feel great). I feel alert and alive and actually, I feel like laughing out loud! Which is no small thing let me tell you. I suffered from depression and although I have now recovered, I still didn't feel like I was on top of the world. I lost 3kg in the first few days. I'm not tired. Or grumpy. I am sleeping like a log for at least an hour longer than usual, getting closer to normal range. Probably something else too, but that'll do for starters. I just feel better all over.

So, do I regret my decision or choices? Nope. Do I miss gluten? Nope - as far as I can tell, there isn't anything to miss. There are so many fabulous recipes out there to try and flavours to tempt me, that I can't see how I will miss it. It just doesn't loom on my horizon any more. I don't see that I'm saying a big no to anything important, but rather a big yes to a whole lot more.

And the point of this post is to say (apart from, thanks for listening to me) is that, it doesn't matter where we are in life, things can get better if we are open to change and possibility.

love Heather x

To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you are the only solution. ~Jo Coudert

Welcome Note

How to begin? The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. My journey began a long time ago, although I'm not sure whether it began with my first moment, or with my first desire to change my circumstances when I was a child, or with that first time someone outside my circle told me I deserved more.

I have had a whole swag of attempts - you know those pictures of brains and all that curly surface? That's my journey: around and around, up hill and down dale, curves, diversions, dead ends, around a bit more, over and under, forging ahead and around a bit more. But always with the sense that I am looking for a better life than my current location would have me believe is my lot in life. Not that I have been discontent my whole life or I'm not grateful for my many and varied blessings and experiences. I have had my share of excellence and goodness. And I can't say that I would like to change any of my past, because I am a sum of my blessings and experiences, guilty moments, choices, journeys, hardships, lessons, loves and losses and all the people who have had an influence on me in any way. It all counts.

But ... yeah, I know, there is always a but ;-) But... I expect better of myself. And that is what drives me. I know I am not being the best I can be. I'm there with me in the dark moments, and I know what's going on here people. My children's paediatrician said to me once, "Don't worry. In my experience, if you are worried about your parenting, then you are doing OK. It's the people who don't even worry about it that are the ones to worry about." He was right of course. If we are not even questioning ourselves, then we are lost. But that doesn't mean I can't strive to do and be better. Just stop beating myself up about the whole not being perfect thing. And not just with parenting. I see that doctor's statement as wisdom for the whole of life. I could worry endlessly about everything, but then I'd never have time to notice how beautiful a simple jug of white daisies on my table is.

And so my journey continues.

love Heather x

Every step is one step closer to who I thought I would be when I was 16.